/Big Mouth/ Land of the free?
25/12/2008 | Filed under Discover > Big Mouth
You won’t find free Wi-Fi access on the other side of the pond, says Gary Marshall
I’m on the phone to O2 customer services. iPhone, I say. Florida. Data. How much? Credit where credit’s due, the rep doesn’t snigger or cackle maniacally when he tells me the number. Seven pounds and five p, he says. Per megabyte.
I am in a forest. All five members of Girls Aloud throw petals in front of my feet. A purple giraffe wanders past, with Rolf Harris in hot pursuit. Jimmy Carr tells a joke, and it’s actually funny. Ah, I realise. I’ve passed out and hit my head on the desk.
Never mind, I think when I’ve regained consciousness – I have super iPhone power, which means I have Wi-Fi. And as we all know, America is the most technologically advanced, geek-friendly place on Earth. Verily, it is the land of the free, and by free I mean free Wi-Fi.
Free Wi-Fi, my arse. With just three exceptions – a cool indie bookshop in Tavernier, a bar in Key West and a hotel in Naples – I don’t find any free networks in two weeks. In some places I’m detecting as many as 30 wireless networks simultaneously, most of them hotspots, none of them free. I’m sure that there were some free hotspots somewhere, but battery life, heat and jet lag mean there’s only so long I’m willing to spend roaming around trying to find one.
I blame the businessmen on expenses. You and I know that 10 quid for 10 minutes’ internet access is a crime against humanity, but it’s chump change to anybody with an expense account – and it’s a legitimate business expense you can tell the taxman about.
Consequently, when hotels decide how much to charge for wireless internet, something that we all know costs approximately 1p to supply, they could set the rate at a million billion jillion pounds and some besuited arse would think it was a perfectly reasonable price. And to be fair, it is to them, because they don’t have to pay it.
None of this would matter if everything wasn’t moving onto the web, but it is. When BA lost all that luggage in Terminal 5, holidaymakers who called customer services were told to go online because the website, not the reps’ systems, had the tracking information. When passports went missing and we called the British Embassy, recorded messages urged us to visit the website and told us that we had to fill out forms – online, of course – before coming to see them. When we needed to speak to the bank in an emergency, the offices were closed and we were told website, website, website.
When things go wrong, getting online is essential – and because businessmen are happy to pay silly sums for their connections, the rest of us have to pay through the nose too, even though we’ve already paid through the nose for our flights, for our hotel rooms and for everything else. And that’s what I’m going to tell the judge when he asks why I set fire to three CEOs in Miami Airport.
Gary was writing for .net in the Stone Age. He’s a journo and software expert. www.bigmouthstrikesagain.com
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